Does your inner critic talk too much?

Being kinder to yourself - understanding self-critical thoughts

We all have an inner critic from time to time. Those thoughts that pop up telling us we’re not good enough, that we should have done better, or that we’ve let someone down. In nursing and midwifery, where expectations are high and the work really matters, these thoughts can feel especially loud.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that being hard on ourselves will push us to work harder or perform better. But in reality, self-critical thoughts often do the opposite. They can leave us feeling inadequate, anxious, or exhausted — and over time, they can take a real toll on our wellbeing.

Learning to recognise self-criticism and gently shift towards more realistic, compassionate thinking can make a big difference.

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism is when we judge ourselves harshly or focus mainly on our perceived flaws or mistakes. It often shows up as thoughts that lead to feelings of doubt, failure, guilt, or feeling “not good enough”.

Research shows that ongoing self-critical thinking can negatively affect our mental health and increase the risk of anxiety and depression. While reflecting on our practice and wanting to do well is important, encouraging and balanced thoughts are far more helpful than demanding or punishing ones. When we speak to ourselves with more compassion, our resilience and wellbeing improve — and so does our ability to learn and grow.

Where do self-critical thoughts come from?

Self-critical thoughts don’t appear out of nowhere. They can be shaped by:

• Early life experiences
• Workplace culture and expectations
• Feedback from others
• The high standards we set for ourselves

Over time, we can internalise messages from our environment and start repeating them to ourselves. Everyone experiences self-critical thoughts occasionally, but when they become persistent or overwhelming, they can start to affect our wellbeing.

How can self-compassion help?

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care, understanding, and kindness that you would offer a colleague or patient who’s struggling.

One of the first steps is simply noticing when your inner critic shows up. Becoming aware of those patterns helps you pause, rather than automatically believing everything that thought says. You can think of self-compassion as replacing a harsh inner critic with a supportive inner coach — one that’s honest, but also fair and encouraging.

Over time, self-compassion can become a healthier habit that gently replaces self-criticism.

Ways to work through self-critical thoughts

Some helpful strategies include:

• Acknowledge the intention behind the thought.
  Self-criticism often comes from a desire to do better or avoid mistakes. Try not to criticise yourself for being self-critical.
• Remind yourself of your strengths.
  Write down your personal qualities and clinical strengths. Keep this list somewhere easy to access for tougher days.
• Get curious about what’s underneath.
  Ask yourself: Am I feeling scared, overwhelmed, ashamed, tired, or under pressure right now?
• Challenge negative self-talk.
  For example:
  “They must think I’ve done a terrible job” → “There could be many reasons — I don’t have all the information.”
• Let go of perfection.
  Nursing and midwifery are complex, human professions. Mistakes and learning moments are part of growth. Try not to compare yourself to others — no one has it all together all the time.
• Reach out for support.
  If self-critical thoughts start to feel overwhelming or constant, speaking with a mental health professional can really help.

Being less hard on yourself doesn’t mean pretending everything’s okay. It’s really about learning to talk to yourself with a bit more honesty, kindness, and understanding. Below are some gentle, evidence-based (but often overlooked) ways to soften that harsh inner voice and build a kinder relationship with yourself.

Change, reframe, reset -  lesser-known evidence-based approaches to nurturing that kinder internal voice.

🔄 Shifting Self-Critical Thoughts 

Thought challenging means noticing a critical thought, not immediately believing it, and gently questioning it.

You might ask yourself:

• How would I speak to a colleague going through this?
• How realistic is this thought?
• Is there another way of looking at the situation?
• What’s the evidence for and against this thought?

You can also try changing the language of your inner voice to something more supportive:

• “I’m going to fail” → “This is challenging, but I can learn from it.”
• “I don’t want to let anyone down” → “It’s okay to have limits and say no.”
• “I need to be in control” → “I can cope, even when things feel uncertain.”

💭 Working with Your Thoughts

One simple but powerful trick is to name your inner critic. Give it a label like “The Manager” or “HR”. Doing this helps you notice it as just one part of you—not the boss of you. Once it’s named, you can pause and ask, “Is this actually true?” or “What’s the evidence for and against this thought?”—just like you would if a friend was being unfair to themselves.

It also helps to remember that your inner critic is often trying (clumsily) to protect you—from failure, rejection, or getting hurt. When you notice that, you can say something like, “I see you’re trying to keep me safe, but this isn’t helping right now.” A great exercise is to write down the advice you’d give someone you care about, then read it back to yourself.

If your thoughts start spiralling, try adding a little distance by saying, “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that…” before the criticism. That tiny shift can take a lot of the sting out of it.

🗣️ Changing Your Inner Language & Habits

The words you use with yourself really matter. Swapping “should” for “could” turns pressure into choice. Instead of “I should be doing more,” try “I could explore a different way forward.” Small changes can feel surprisingly freeing.

Pay attention to those quiet, automatic put-downs—like “that was stupid”. When they pop up, gently counter them with something neutral or kind. A helpful rule of thumb is a 3:1 ratio: for every self-critical thought, offer yourself three balanced or compassionate ones.

If you catch yourself being really harsh, it’s okay to repair it. Try saying, “That was unfair. I didn’t deserve that. Let’s reset.” Then back it up with a small act of kindness—make a warm drink, eat something nourishing, stretch, or take a few slow breaths.

🤍 Emotional & Body-Based Kindness

Self-compassion isn’t just mental—it’s physical too. Simple gestures like placing a hand on your heart or cheek can help your nervous system feel safe. A few moments of loving-kindness phrases like, “May I be kind to myself,” can slowly retrain your inner tone.

You might also try imagining someone (or even a pet) who feels comforting and supportive, and picture how they’d respond to you in that moment. When self-criticism shows up, see if you can name what’s underneath it—fear, shame, disappointment. That shift from judgment to understanding can be incredibly regulating.

🌱 Looking at the Bigger Picture

Being kinder to yourself also means shaping the world around you. Try redefining growth as staying curious, not getting everything right. Notice what fuels perfectionism—constant comparison, unnecessary metrics—and limit it where you can.

Spend time with people who model self-forgiveness and compassion. And once a week, reflect not on what you achieved, but on the effort you made. Something as simple as, “I kept showing up,” counts more than you think.

Remember, just because your inner critic is loud doesn’t mean it’s right. With time and practice, you can develop a more balanced, compassionate inner voice — one that supports your wellbeing and helps you continue to grow